the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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