Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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