please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
