So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?