The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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