I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
