You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
