I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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