I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it