Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No stitches, just platelets and will power
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.