I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.