the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him