I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun