Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
