we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.