You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
