I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
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She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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