yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Watching her eat just hurts me
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
