So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
