remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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