just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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