last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
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I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
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Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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