Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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