My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off