hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
