That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize