M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
