Yo dont text me then not text me
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
