I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
