Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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