why didn't you poke me back
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize