I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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