1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
