I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
