just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
