Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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