What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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