he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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