im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize