Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
