So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
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I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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