If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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