mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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