I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
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LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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