Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
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Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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