You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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