and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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