I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
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she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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