Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
