I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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