i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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