Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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