Texts From Last Night

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  (914): View more from New York

  Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.

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  (914): Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine. http://tfl.nu/4xx7
  Replies (8) Good night (608) Bad night (6708) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
  Replies (51) Good night (25355) Bad night (1007) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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  (813): We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response. http://tfl.nu/3ka8
  Replies (16) Good night (7440) Bad night (1269) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

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  (315): We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same http://tfl.nu/yvn7
  Replies (26) Good night (7801) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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  (256): I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed. http://tfl.nu/8aru
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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  (443): His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake http://tfl.nu/rol0
  Replies (46) Good night (7163) Bad night (1393) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?

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  (817): Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday? http://tfl.nu/r4ue
  Replies (3) Good night (1707) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.

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  (319): As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em. http://tfl.nu/jzfe
  Replies (2) Good night (1907) Bad night (826)
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  (516): View more from New York

  its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.

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  (516): its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again. http://tfl.nu/1ovr
  Replies (5) Good night (808) Bad night (1212) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.

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  (870): I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that. http://tfl.nu/0bow
  Replies (21) Good night (590) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.

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  (608): This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat. http://tfl.nu/hchn
  Replies (2) Good night (1052) Bad night (247) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER

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  (613): NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER http://tfl.nu/1x2h
  Replies (10) Good night (345) Bad night (1165) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Score one for dad.

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  (541): Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job. (503): Score one for dad. http://tfl.nu/kgah
  Replies (6) Good night (1912) Bad night (299)
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  (845): View more from New York

  I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

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  (845): I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN http://tfl.nu/jodt
  Replies (8) Good night (662) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...

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  (702): there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya... http://tfl.nu/edke
  Replies (6) Good night (491) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt

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