Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
